Vday...

Valentines Day?...gag me! I really do not like Valentines Day. So many crazy feelings. Is there anyone else that feels the same way about today? Everyone at school is all "yay for valentines day!" :P yuck, really? I dunno, I'm just trying to make it out like its a normal day. So far there hasn't been anything too extreme. Except for the disappointment I know I'll be feeling by the end of the day or by tomorrow. I mean why hope? For some stupid reason, I just keep hoping he'll drop something by. I know he's not going to do it, I know it! Why do I set myself up for heartache? I guess I'm just hoping that even though we aren't together anymore, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me anymore and that he won't drop something by. But no, he's not going to do it...thanks bishop anyway for saying you hope he does too, but its just not gonna happen. Its just not. I mean why would he, we aren't dating anymore, we're just friends, its been more than 2 weeks....Today would have been our 3 month anniversary, not that i was counting or anything.

I try burying myself in school, and it works as a good distraction and I am getting more out of it I think, but I pretend to be super busy, I guess just making it look like I have no time to think about other stuff. But I am busy don't get me wrong there's always stuff to do for school but sometimes, you just need to take it slow so as to not wear yourself out.

I don't have a lot of patience. Its something that I've always been trying to improve on but its very slow going. Especially my patience for life. I want to live! I want to be out there and embrace everything, but I'm not there, and that's when I get impatient. I want to be out of school and know where I'm going! And love...its the strangest thing. I try not to think about the song Wouldn't it be nice? that the Beatles sing...ya know, "wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long." It's just how I feel sometimes. But is it really love at all? Or just an infatuation? I don't think its an infatuation, I just think it's a changed love, more like a reserved love. All I know is, even if somehow he asks me to date again now, I don't think I can say yes as strange as it sounds. I just have the strongest conviction within me, telling me no, not now and prolly not til after the mission. I just hope that after, it'll be better with me and him. Sorry to say but he has a lot to learn and I hope that he'll get it during the mission. It would make things a lot less stressful and a lot easier for the both of us. But I'm so proud of the man he's trying to become, and he's trying so hard. I know he'll be blessed for it in time. Only time will tell to see if he really is the one I need. But for now, I have other things to focus on. Midterms week, I gotta test, plenty reading, and some papers to write up. Wish me luck!!! :)